United They Stand

My boys have found the power of joining together as a united force against their mother. My life is forever changed. Any tips at dissolving this kind of team work? I know. Be consistent and discipline… but I wondered if anyone who had encountered this before had any creative ideas of ways to handle it.

Comments

14 Responses to “United They Stand”

meridith on March 6th, 2008 10:52 pm

oh no, i guess it was inevitable. do you have any examples?
Teresa on March 6th, 2008 11:50 pm

Zabs,

Honestly, I wouldn’t try to break up the alliance when it is active. Is there a reaason that it happened to crystillize right at this particular time (just after the arrival of a girl baby?)

What I would do is try to spend more time with each of them individually, and strengthen your bond to each of them individually.

I’d avoid collective punishments. Common suffering cements such bonds.

I’d encourage the brother-bond as appropriate and admirable for outside-the-family issues, but point out that inside the family, EVERYONE has to stick together.

Also, let the brother-bonds be exercised constructivly for instance, taking care of little sister is a responsibility they can shoulder together.
washedandforgiven on March 7th, 2008 12:53 am

As the oldest of five boys, and I know you said this already, but number one thing is, BE CONSISTENT. We kids (especially when we put our brains together) can spot any hint of hypocrisy a hundred miles away, and we WILL tell you about it. If you do not allow us to tell you about it, we will discuss it among ourselves, and you will have a full-scale mutiny on your hands.

You can tell I’ve had experience.
Jenn on March 7th, 2008 9:59 am

I am still learning in this area but one I thing I have learned is that I need to identify the leader. This will change depending on the time but once you do that, it is easier to discipline. However, I do think alliances are good, as long as the boys can be respectful. Take opportunities to redirect them into being honoring to you. It takes time. Be consistent. If they learn it is a good thing to be united (and it is sometimes) then they will start to understand the boundaries of that unity.

Hope that makes sense!
stacey on March 7th, 2008 10:03 am

nothing that you probably don’t already do. i will check back for answers for myself!
Heidi Jo on March 7th, 2008 10:20 am

GOOD LUCK:0)

be consistent and discipline…yes, but understand that you will lose some battles. you are HUMAN–as long as you win more than you lose and you never just give up the battle you will be fine. you are a great mom!
Teresa on March 7th, 2008 3:43 pm

MZ,

One thing I wanted to bring up. It’s better to re-direct and to be reasonable as much as you can. Which means, that if the kids have a point, you can concede it without looking weak, as long as they know they reasoned you into changing your mind…rather than badgering you.

Along that line, I have a “Three But Rule.” My kids are allowed to question any decision as long as it is done respectfully. However, I am not obligated to change my mind, and they only have three chances to make an argument.

For instance; “Pick up your room.”

“But I just started playing this game.”

“You need to do it now, later won’t be good enough.”

“But it’s not very dirty.”

“Then it shouldn’t take too much time.”

“But I don’t feel like it right now.”

“Not good enough, sorry.”

“But…”

“Sorry you’re out of buts. Better luck next time.”

This has lead to them learning to structure their arguments and evaluating their validity very carefully before objecting to anything, and nearly eliminated badgering. They know there’s no point,and they know they had a chance to make a case if one was to be made.

The teamwork is focused on either compliance (helping each other with their work) or on collaborating on finding a good argument (if one exsists).
Sunflower Desert on March 14th, 2008 1:25 pm

Divide and conquer! Lol — just kidding. Looks like you’re getting some good advice already.
theobromophile on March 17th, 2008 4:00 am

Whatever happened to pointing to the Fifth Commandment?
Teresa on March 17th, 2008 7:22 am

Theo,

LOL!

Of course! Pre-schoolers are completely ruled by Biblical law! They’re born that way!
celeste on March 18th, 2008 9:33 am

Well all i can say is that they still do this at the ages of 20, 19, 17, 15 — i guess they are a tight knit bunch — we always told them that they were each others best friends…it is so natural for them to stand together…
your a great mommy and you have great boys… (d.s.t.s.s.) don’t sweat the small stuff

c
&for the big stuff bring dad in…
theobromophile on March 18th, 2008 6:57 pm

Teresa,

Well, they are ruled by a few things. Santa is one of them. I’m assuming that good little pre-school boys who are raised in religious homes want to be good for God, right?
Teresa on March 18th, 2008 11:56 pm

Theo,

Well, I’ve never been a boy, but I was a raised in a religious home. I can speak to that, anyway. Sure, we wanted to be good in the long run…but in the short run we wanted to get away with a thing or two.

I can’t say anything about Santa really. We were kind of low-income, so Santa brought clothes and fruit generally.

Not motivational. Although oranges poked full of cloves to put in your underware drawer had a certain macabre appeal.
Teresa on March 18th, 2008 11:59 pm

I might also add that a third child in the mix ix another way to break up the alliance.

My sister would cave everytime. Give my brother and I up in a flash. You can get two to stick together, but the center will not hold.

My sister couldn’t handle it, so she’s rat us out in hopes of avoiding the beating. And it usually worked…the little rat!