Learning very Slowly.

God’s end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view; we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, Then each moment as it comes is precious.- Oswald Chambers

Outside of any words Jesus spoke, this is my favorite quote of all time. I’m quite the Oswald Chambers fan.  No matter how many years I read “My Utmost for his Highest” I constantly discover more while reading it.  It’s pretty much the next step down from the Bible for me.

It is insane how many times in my life this quote is a reminder of how I need to live.  It’s a compass. Often I’m far away from the direction I’m suppose to be heading.

God, once again, is gently rebuking me.

Let me explain, I live my life something like this:

“When I can get through this crazy season of work and get my house packed up and moved then settle in and re-organize THEN I will be in a better place.  Then I will have arrived, life will be livable.  IF I can only make it till then.”

Then I get through the tough time of work, I get packed up and face at least 5 extra obstacles I was not expecting in the process, I move, I unpack, I start organizing… And guess what, BANG! More trials come than originally planned for and once again I have not arrived at this plateau in life I was expecting.

Really, how many years does this have to go on before I wake up and let God remind me that this place that I’m seeking so hard to find and arrive at IS HEAVEN!?  It isn’t to be found here!  The minute I think I may catch a break and life will slow down, quite frankly, IT DOESN’T!

I live in a life, in a world where there are constant unexpected sorrows and heart-breaks.  Where I think one thing will happen and it doesn’t.  Where I think something will never happen and it does.  Truthfully, it is sometimes maddening.

I know that I’m not alone in this.  We live in a very broken place with our broken dysfunctional selves.  Yes many of us are striving for more.  We are not looking back at the past that wants to hold us back, we are setting goals and doing our best to move toward them.  That is great and not to be diminished… but the fact is, it really isn’t about “getting there”.  It’s about the journey.

Cliche, Cliche, Cliche- I know!

But really.  Are you living like that?  I know for the most part I’m not.  I keep thinking my “getting there” is right around the corner.  And quite frankly it just ISN’T.  I don’t know about you, but “Getting there” for me is probably just a little too perfect for this world.

All this said, I’m going to stop saying (right now) that when September gets here and the craziness of August is behind me life will be normal.  I have no earthly clue what August will bring me.  It has already hit me up-side the head with a few griefs I could have never imagined.  I know that God promises that our lives here will be full of tribulation.  You know what he says?  “TAKE HEAR I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD”.

Having a bonafide Anxiety Disorder, I find the constant need to try and control my circumstances.  I want to know what to expect and what to fear.  That way I can’t be unexpectedly hurt.  This is my go-to, my sin-nature.  Be it chemical, sin or probably both… I don’t really care.  I can’t live like this.  The fact is I have never ever been able to protect myself from any unexpected hurt by prior worrying or control.

“This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!” I have to start living more like this or I just may go insane.  So look- this week I’m going to stop wishing for it to be next month.  It’s going to be really, really hard because it is not natural for me.  But I have to, by the help of God, start recognizing that God cares about my heart and not some silly goal oriented destination I have created for myself that is some version of heaven on earth.

Okay- Done with my rant for now. And for those of you that bug me for not ever posting on my blog anymore- there you go.  You may or may not hear from me in the future.

16 Years

I’m writing today because it is threraputic for me.  I am not writing because I want to be flowery or try to be poetic- to me it is just raw.

This morning marks 16 years since cancer pushed my mom home to heaven.  I was 1 week shy of turning 18.  By now I have known life with out my mom just as long as I can consciously remember life with my mom.  What a strange reality.

This year more than ever I’m realizing how this effects my relationship with my sweet children. I’m longing to hold on to the moments I share with them more and more.  The reality that you have them for 18 years and then things change (which is just a part of life) is really hitting me.  My stomach sinks at the fact that almost 6 of those have already passed for my oldest.  Time feels like sand slipping through my fingers.  I long to clasp it as hard as possible and not let any tumble out- but that is impossible.

I know the fact that I lost my mom at barely 18 makes this time-line seem even more dire to me.  Of course after 18 years (Lord willing) I will still have an amazing relationship with my children.  But I do realize in the deepest parts of me how much we are unaware of what the future holds.  For me it is hard to imagine a mother to child relationship that surpasses the age of 18.  These days are slipping by so fast.

On a practical level we are just trying to implement more routines and traditions.  I want my kids to look back on their childhood and smile so huge it brings tears to their eyes.  We’ve ditched eating out (most of the time) for family dinner at the actual dinner table.  We have found Avery eats much better there and we can better cheer her on and encourage her to eat.  We pray together and each take turns talking about our favorite things from the day.  It is so precious to see the kids so excited to share and hear what each other is sharing.  At night we are reading 1 book and then 1 or 2 chapters our of their Kid’s Study Bible.  They hang on every word and it seems to be their favorite time of night.

Right now my children just flat out my priority.  I’m not saying they were not my priority before, but for some reason it just seems more urgent to me these days to make sure I make the best of the time I spend with them.

Next year we are home-schooling Owen.  Truthfully, I have really missed him while he is at school all day.  Lukas will still do Pre-K a couple days a week so that I have special time with Owen to get him used to having school at home.  I know it will be a challange to take on especially with the things on my plate, but first grade does not take the hours at home that it takes at school.  2 hours maybe?  And I know it is a priority to us.  Jeff is here to help and we will just schedule our time accordingly.  I don’t know what each additional year for us will hold, but we have so much peace to start this homeschool journey.

Anyway, I’m a little emotional today. The way I’m spending time in my life is becoming more important to me with each passing day.  I miss my mom so much.  The people we love that surround us are so important.  Hug that person you are so thankful for today.  Kiss on your kids.  Tell people you love them.

Thanks for letting me get it out.

Haiti

By now you have probably heard that Haiti has had a severe earthquke.  Devestating.  Surreal.  A place that was already so impoverished.  I decided just in case it helped spread info in anyway to post a letter from a neighbor on the ground there and link to their organization and several others that have money going straight to haiti.  These are organizations I trust 100%.

First the letter… written by Mark Stuart (formerlly of the band Audio Adrenaline) He and his wife Aegis now have an organization with an orphanage in Haiti.  All in the orphanage were spared, but their is unexplainable massive destruction all around them.  At one point Aegis wrote on her facebook that she looked behind the orphanage and the mountain was literally splitting open.

Mark Wrote:

Hi everyone….
Our internet is working finally.  So I’m sending this to a few of you….
Everyone here is ok, but we are all very scared.  The buildings held up great, but there are several houses right around us that have collapsed.  Also, Hotel Cyvadier had major damage, while the brand new three story “peace of mind” hotel was demolished.  Francine, one of our teenage nannies was in afternoon school and escaped while the building was collapsing around her because she was sitting by the door…however many of her classmates died yesterday.  Many houses and and buildings have collapsed in Jacmel including the hospital.  I know most of the news there is coming from PAP, but there is substantial loss of life here on the south coast.  We need prayer for wisdom and strength.  Its very chaotic here.  We were able to buy diesel this morning and hopefully get more propane for cooking tomorrow.  Last night was crazy…slept on the dirt in the center of the village…away from the buildings.  Tonight we may venture back indoors, but that is yet to be decided.  We go in and out to get necessities.  The Haitian people are numb and sad to say very used to death, but this has created what seems to be a hypnotic state.  I’ve never been in a situation were you feel SO helpless, fearful, and small.  The tremors are coming again as i type this. Whoa!!!
Mark

Here are some very important links of Christian organizations to pray for and donate to.

Hands and Feet Project- This is the project Mark and Aegis work with.  It is an orphanage.  He is also posting updates.

Conduit Mission- 100% of money being wired straight to Haiti.  The guy the runs this is Darren, he’s a great guy and hiw word is golden.

Convoy of Hope- This is an organization run by the Assemblies of God in Springfield, MO.  They are getting ready to send volunteers over.  One of my friends, Chris Dudly, is waiting to hear if he will be going. Please keep him in your prayers. Will update if he is sent.

Care International- This is an incredible organization that I have already blogged about in the past.  They have people in the Dominican Republic right now that are going to provide relief.
Don’t understimate the power of prayer.  Our people over there need prayer for strength and guidance probably more than ever before.

2010

I am surprised I even remember how to log in to write on this blog.  Seriously my blog has been so far from my mind these days.  The only reason I don’t give it up is because there are more than 5 years of memories here.  I wish there was a way I could upload all my posts on my hard-drive.

Things have been good, no great, for the most part.  Not as in “perfect life” great… Life is far from perfect.  But in the “scheme of things” great.  How could I complain?  As I see lives of so many people in such great pain I can not help but sit back and be grateful and slap myself for any unthankfulness that lurks in my heart.  My heart is heavy a lot lately- but not for myself.  My compassion goes out to my friends that are divorced for the first time this Christmas/New Year, for those that have family members who have passed.  For those with sick family.  For those whose lives have experienced tragedy this year.  For those who feel hopeless at finding a job right now.  (have you seen Up in The Air yet?  Oh my heart aches for these people).  For those with children whose health is their heartache.  Okay- so I’m crying now… I oughtta stop writing such sad stuff.

But its reality right?  I really don’t know how I would survive with out Jesus.   People can call that a crutch, but I really don’t care. I’m like everyone else.  Hurt, broken, damaged, flawed… but with God he somehow in his miraculous way makes that all beautiful.

There is so much pain around and I’m like this total sponge absorbing emotions and pain of those around me (unless I’m on meds, which I’m not on right now…).  Don’t worry, I’m actually good.  Just being real.  This is one of those “hard” days.  Hard for no reason other than the pain on the earth- Ha.

I’m grateful.  I have a roof over my head that is not being threatened to be taken away.  I have a new house being built to better accommodate running businesses from home near my children.  I have 3 lovely beautiful healthy children.  Jeff and I have parents and family that love us.  We have each other- what a blessing.

I do hope 2010 is a better year, for all those hurting.  For those who have lost things or people this year.  I pray God will continue his grace on this nation.  We are blessed far beyond what we are deserving of.  I pray that in all things my family and I will look to God.  That we’ll seek his face whether joy or heartache face us this year.  That he will be that which completes us.

Its overwhelming to me sometimes– the fact that we have no idea what is coming.  My personality is to fret that.  I’m so glad I know that though I am not in control, something much greater is.  So cheers to whatever comes.  We’ll embrace you.  On with 2010

Just When I Thought it was OVER…

I was wrong.  Here I am back at Mommyzabs.com again.  I feel really silly now for my dramatic stomp off stage that will be on the internet forever.  Yes, I was upset.  I have been upset.  I fell like I lost my place to be everything that is all me.  That it was getting indirectly censored.  It hasn’t been censored because anyone told me I could boisterously voice my strongly held opinions here… but my own guilt over making some of my dear friends feel unwelcome haunted me.  They would check in to see how my life was going and get hit over the head with a very opposing view of the way they saw/see the world.  It made them not feel so great and put strains on too many relationships.  

The solution?.  A new place to vent.  NO I didn’t buy another domain name that I will have to design and keep up.  I just may start spewing on someone else’s elsewhere.  Who knows, maybe it won’t work out… but if it does trust me I will direct you there and if you already know what I’m going to say is going to offend you- you don’t have to visit.  More information forthcoming…

In the meanwhile so many things, thoughts, feelings, transitions, beliefs, I have had I could update you on.  I’ll have to spread them out  Owen starting kindergarten, New thoughts on depression (and my ongoing battle with it), Lukas starting preschool, The HCG diet (again),  my pastor losing his son and learning from his grief (about my own,) Life, life and more life.  (now that was definitely a sentence I would get in trouble for in Ms. Bell’s english class.)  Did I ever mention how she told me I was a horrible writer and to stick to Science and Math?..  Oh the silly scars that stick with us…  I don’t want my kids to ever get those itchy things.  I hope no teacher ever speaks that kinda crap over them.   How about the time in 6th grad a personality evaluator told me that my (then) dream of being a lawyer would never happen and I would be a failure.  One look at the “code” my personality test gave me and she thought it was okay to call a sixth grader a failure.  Nice.  Okay- I’m not ranting or anything.  It only still hurts a little…   

WOW Tangent, sorry about that.  Have a good one,  I gotta help my kindergartner with his lower-case i’s.

Rodan+Fields 100% Gaurantee Correction

Last night I posted incorrect information (R+F Sales newby mistake!)  Anyway, you can return any portion of the used portion for a full refund or exchange WITHIN 60 days (less shipping and handling).  Still a great deal.  And it doens’t take 60 days to see results.  :)

Rodan + Fields- Reverse Regimen

Reverse is the first Regimen I tried and now here I’m selling it.  I love the way it makes my skin feel.  Here is what the Rodan+Fields website has to say about REVERSE,

“It’s not what you see…It’s what you don’t see. Exposure to the sun and the environment can leave you with less-than-youthful skin. Erase the signs of premature aging, including brown spots, dullness, and sun damage. REVERSE Regimen exfoliates, lightens, brightens, and protects your skin for a more even tone and texture. Recognized on Allure Magazine’s A List. The REVERSE Regimen features 4 full-size products: Deep Exfoliating Wash 100 mL/3.4 Fl.Oz.; Skin Lightening Toner 125 mL/4.2 Fl.Oz.; Skin Lightening Treatment 50 mL/1.7 Fl.Oz.; and UVA/UVB SPF 15 Sunscreen 50 mL/1.7 Fl.Oz.”

I have remnants of pregnancy mask on my face that I swear is getting lighter.  In a few weeks I’ll have pictures to post and show you the difference.  The won’t be absolutely “before” because I have already been using it.  But if this stuff keeps working you should be able to tell a difference between now and then anyway. 

If you are wanting to reverse the results of sun damage this product is a definite MUST SEE for you!

In Sickness and in Health, For Better or Worse

Lately some things have been brought to the front of my mind.  It’s about my dad.  I have written many times on here in the last 5 years about the period of life when my mom died.  I rarely write about how ugly or terrible watching what the cancer did to her body was.  Or how much she could not do for herself because of how sick she was.  I don’t give the gory details.  Anyone who has lost someone due to terminal illness doesn’t need an explanation.  There are just some things you don’t like to burden other people with unnecessarily.  But in few words, lets just say there were many times during that season that were horrific.  That being said, as I reflect, there was still something very beautiful out of it.  My father.  

My mom and  my dad did not have a perfect marriage (who does).  I know he has his regrets and I know that she lived with her own regrets as well.  But it is often said that when someone is hard pressed on every side you see who they really are… if that is the case, my father is a beautiful person.  He kept his vow to my mother to love her for better or worse, in sickness and in health. 

Until now, I took this for granted… that is what one is expected to do right?  But lately I have heard more and more stories of this not being the case.  It’s not an easy call.  It’s a very tough one.  It is one that requires the emptying of oneself.  It says in the Bible that “greater love has no man than this, to lay his life down for a friend. “  To care for someone you love who is utterly helpless, this is laying your life down.

Dad, I’ll always be grateful for the example you have set before me.  I’ll never forget how devastating that season of life was.  I thank you for not running.  I thank you for being with mom through all the ugliness.  I thank you for being with her until the very last minute and holding her in your arms as she passed into perfect healing.  I pray that I can love those around me in the same selfless way.  I love you Dad.

Avery Gained Again!

Avery had her year old check up today and gained a pound!  Yippee.  She is in the 22nd percentile for weight and is in the 95th percentile for her height now!  They still want regular weight checks and to make sure she continues growing.  They also still want a CF test.  But I’m really encouraged that her height and weight are growing!

Avery Update

First off I just want to thank everyone for their prayer and support.  I have felt so much love around us.  I also wanted to update you on our appointment today.

We don’t have a ton of answers yet as we are still waiting on results from the blood test.  We do have a major praise though.  In this last week Avery gained 2 lbs…. that after  months of only losing weight!  The Hemotologist was very encouraged by this.  He was a great doctor and explained to us what his concerns were and how high her levels were etc.  But the more he watched her and interacted with her the more encouraged he was about her.  He said that she looks like nothing but a super healthy baby.  He told us that tells him a lot and that he wouldn’t be surprised at all if she had been fighting something so strongly in her immune system that wasn’t being exhibited by her outward symptoms.  He said we still needed to look at all her levels to be sure.  So what we are waiting on are 2 things:

1. her monocyte count.  This should be around 1000 and was 1764… we want to see that go down not up.
2. this thing called hemoglobin F.  You have when you are in the womb and after you are born it gradually changes to hemoglobin A in the first year.  The only reason it wouldn’t do this would indicate that there are stressors in her bone marrow.  We want to see this number virtually non-existant.

I’m really encouraged though because She has had so much prayer from all of you, so many others, and we when we went forward for prayer at church yesterday morning.  I really think it is possible she has been healed from whatever it was that was battling with her body.  I’m going to choose to believe that at least until I’m told otherwise.

On another note, my grandpa went into the hospital yesterday with shortness of breath and ashen color.  He is feeling somewhat better now but will be undergoing heart catheter wednesday so please lift him up in your prayers.

Thanks again so much.

PS- IT’s OWEN’s 5th BIRTHDAY!!!!  But festivities are a little behind

Next Page »