Book Review: Love is a Decision- Gary Smally

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More than a month ago, Jeff had just left town on another work trip. We had just gotten off one of those “rough weeks”. Married readers, I know you are familiar with these. Effective communication seemed impossible. We bickered. We frustrated each other. I felt as if my head were banging a brick wall. I kept getting in the Bible and praying. I felt so discouraged…“God will it always be like this?”.

I remembered that I went through a big phase of buying marriage and parenting books, that I had never found the time to read. I decided to look through the book shelf and see if there was something that stuck out and would encourage me. Something that would help us figure out how to get out of this plateau we found ourselves on.

The book that stuck out was this one, Love is a Decision. It was old enough to have yellowed pages! I even discovered a few old highlights and underlining that I had obviously done at one point. Of course, I couldn’t recall them.

With all I am reading it took a few weeks to get through the book. However, I can honestly say this should be REQUIRED reading for any married couple. Almost every chapter in the book lit up a light-bulb type revelation in my head. Some of the advise were things I knew at one point but was not longer putting into practice (amazing how we slip into that!). Other advise plainly explained why we were hitting these walls and what to do about it.

Don’t get me wrong, we aren’t suddenly a perfect marriage because of this book. We adore each other, but we are just under 5 years married and have so much left to learn. I will be asking (not nagging!) my husband to read it and I recommend to any of you.

Below are the Chapter titles:

Planning on a Great Marriage?
Honor: The Foundation for All Healthy Relationships.
Love Is a Decision.
The Incredible Worth of a Woman.
Energizing Your Mate in Sixty Seconds.
A Closed Spirit: Overcoming a Major Destroyer of Relationships.
The Tremendous Value of a Man.
The First Aspect of Nurtureing.
Meaningful Conversation.
Keeping Courtship Alive in Marriage.
Sex Is Much More Than Sexual Intimacy.
Discovering the Secret to a Close-Knit Family.
Finding Fulfillment.
The Source of Lasting Love.

If you are interested buy it here, check it out at your local library, or buy at your local bookstore.

Comments

14 Responses to “Book Review: Love is a Decision- Gary Smally”

Heidi Jo on August 2nd, 2007 12:25 pm

rough weeks…yeah know all about them. thanks for the book tip. i know gary smalley has some great stuff-
Wendy on August 2nd, 2007 12:29 pm

I haven’t read this. Sounds good.

Have you read “The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace? I really like that book and have learned a lot from it. Seems like I’m constantly needing to go back to it.
matt on August 2nd, 2007 12:30 pm

thanks for the vulnerable post. i appreciate this guy significantly more than gary chapman who wrote the love language book. smalley writes with such simple prose and clear examples that it is easy to related. i felt that christian self-help writers can fill their work with christianese jargon and pass it off on a client base that is hungry for anything and is will to accept mediocrity.

the content of this book and your assesment is clearly on target, the whole family (husband, you and the boys) will all reap the rewards.
Neil on August 2nd, 2007 1:13 pm

We studied this in Sunday School years ago and got a lot out of it. The title says it all. You decide (commit) to love someone, even though you don’t have romantic feelings 24/7/365.
nicole fortunato on August 2nd, 2007 2:25 pm

steve and i read this before we got married. this and ‘7 habits of highly effective families’ by stephen and sandra covey are both SO key! i will say i think you have to read the ‘7 habits’ book asking God to change your heart because obviously just changing habits won’t fix what God is after. . . heart-change. both are amazing though!

*i also can’t recommend highly enough, listening to john piper’s sermons on marriage. i have podcasted them. he’s such a bible teacher and getting God’s view of marriage is actually THE key. really. nothing can beat getting the realization (and working out) that marriage exists to show God’s relationship to the church. and few can describe and extend hunger for God’s kingdom like piper. i really think this will encourage you elizabeth. i always feel like ‘i can do this! we can do this!’ after listening to one. he conveys so much hope and freedom in the way God created marriage to be (but of course the realities of frustrations and hurts and just sinfulness that exists too). check it out at: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/BySeries/78/ or for podcast subscribing go to: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Feeds/

good book reco. elizabeth.
Heidi Jo on August 3rd, 2007 9:12 am

glad to see that someone else (matt) didn’t rave about the ‘love languages’ book. i know that there is much merit to understanding your spouse…but that book didn’t ‘move’ me the way it seemed to move so many others.

there is another one out there (totally forget the name) about speaking to your spouse in “word pictures”….yeah, not a fan of that one either:-)
Heidi Jo on August 3rd, 2007 9:57 am

elizabeth pointed out that it was smalley who wrote the ‘word picture’ one too…i totally remember that now.

okay, so it may work for some…(i don’t know who), but i was so exhausted and worn out from trying to compare my emotions to a ray of sunshine or volcano that i GAVE UP! and i’m a wordy girl….
matt on August 3rd, 2007 11:39 am

just a question for all the ladies (silent or reading). guys to since i am not a veteran of marriage…

does the title strike you as a paradox? i know if i told my wife that “to love her was a decision i was making”, i better hope i get my context and non-verbal communication spot on. what i mean is that it sounds as if one needs to “decide” to love another and this is somewaht of a works mentality rather than loving another based on the uniqueness of the one being loved.

i know that i would not consider trying to tell Christ himself i decided to love him, so why would i do this as a married couple? not to say my questions would not be solved by reading the book, but i want to justify my time investment before comitting to the book. i wonder if the time might be better spent skimming it for content and application and then practice loving my wife.
Mommy Zabs on August 3rd, 2007 11:50 am

I figured I should probably answer Matt’s question on the post rather than email since It could turn into a discussion.

Matt, I would have no problem with my husband telling me that he has decided to love me. In effect that is what he did in his marriage covenant he made with me when we got married. And I for him. Much emphasis to women is made that love is always this romantic butterflies type thing when the fact is, though that is an important part to keep alive in a relationship… it will be hard to get through the first 5 years of that kind of definition of marriage. When you start going through stressors, whether it be money, children, houses, extended family issues, spiritual issues, what will save your marriage is the decision to love proven through both action and words.

There are times our spouses are not lovely to us. That is the nature of living so close and intimate with someone. We see the worst of each other. But marriage is to be a safe place for that, to grow, learn, see imperfections but not use it against each other. The premise is to decide to love someone and in doing so deciding to do things to love and serve them… the decision creates the action and thus continues to open doors of romance etc…. romance is something that has to be worked on to continue. It is hard at times, It is against are nature. I could go on, but read the book

I just think it is reality that there are times you “decide” to love when you don’t “feel” like it.

When I’m mad because I feel like I haven’t been asked out on a date or promises have been let down, or I feel unloved by my husband I could decide to walk away an close up to him, or I could decide to love him despite it even if I’m pissed and hurt. That is when the decision comes in, when times are hard, when your feelings don’t get it. When someone out there is telling you sweet things and you close the door on their face because you are not serving you craving to hear that, but rather serving you commitment to marriage that is far more important.

On the flip side, when I’m having panic issues because I’m afraid everyone is going to die, or I’m pregnant and cry at the drop of a hat and don’t want to clean or do anything that required energy… and he is annoyed because he has to carry most my load and his… he may not feel to positive to me at the moment, but because of his decision to love me, he tries to empathize and fill in the gaps. It works both ways because both of us have faults.

Make sense?
matt on August 3rd, 2007 12:48 pm

yeah, i understand where you are coming from. i guess what i am trying to get at is the recognition that inspite of love being work or difficult at times, fundamentally, i think we all want to know, feel and experience being loved for alot of reasons.

here is an example. the first time i met your grandpa was when our new church moved into the first building. my fiance (who is now my lovely wife), and i were chatting with him. he told us how old he was and distinctly remembered when he and your grandma were engaged. his face lit up with excitement as he told us his wife goes with everywhere. naievely, i wondered if she was in the building. he told me she was and opened up his bible and showed us a pic from what must have been the early forties or so. to me this kind of love is beautiful, but does not take away from the fact love might have been hard for both of them at times. however, at its core, he was still smitten and fascinated with his wife that his decision was a no-brainer, it was just such a part of him.

does that make sense? i guess i am getting at the multiple facets of love. maybe we are approaching the same core idea, but from opposite angles.
nicole fortunato on August 3rd, 2007 12:49 pm

i think that’s good eliz. i also think that when we talk about a ‘decision’ it’s not like ‘well i don’t want to love you but i guess i have to’ (which, yes matt, could get you into some deep water) but more from the position of ‘prefering’ your spouse over yourself. it’s about getting past your frustration, anger, exhaustion, self-pity, etc. and making the decision to ‘give’ to your spouse. . . to serve them (when you don’t feel like it).

i think the book reflects ‘love causes us to make better decisions’ is actually more appropriate. because it’s definitely more about how to show love when your ’self’ or flesh gets in the way.

hope that resonates.
theobromophile on August 3rd, 2007 5:01 pm

Perhaps the “decision to love” ought to be rephrased with a participle: “the decision to be loving.” Some of the best people I know are always kind and loving to the people around them, despite their moods: the way they treat others doesn’t depend on personal circumstances.

If Hell freezes over and I find someone, I’ll read the book.
Mommy Zabs on August 3rd, 2007 10:21 pm

I would agree with both Nicole and The- O. Hope that helps Matt.
summershine on August 4th, 2007 12:22 pm

This sounds like a good book. I’ll have to see if the local library carries it.