Learning very Slowly.

God’s end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view; we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, Then each moment as it comes is precious.- Oswald Chambers

Outside of any words Jesus spoke, this is my favorite quote of all time. I’m quite the Oswald Chambers fan.  No matter how many years I read “My Utmost for his Highest” I constantly discover more while reading it.  It’s pretty much the next step down from the Bible for me.

It is insane how many times in my life this quote is a reminder of how I need to live.  It’s a compass. Often I’m far away from the direction I’m suppose to be heading.

God, once again, is gently rebuking me.

Let me explain, I live my life something like this:

“When I can get through this crazy season of work and get my house packed up and moved then settle in and re-organize THEN I will be in a better place.  Then I will have arrived, life will be livable.  IF I can only make it till then.”

Then I get through the tough time of work, I get packed up and face at least 5 extra obstacles I was not expecting in the process, I move, I unpack, I start organizing… And guess what, BANG! More trials come than originally planned for and once again I have not arrived at this plateau in life I was expecting.

Really, how many years does this have to go on before I wake up and let God remind me that this place that I’m seeking so hard to find and arrive at IS HEAVEN!?  It isn’t to be found here!  The minute I think I may catch a break and life will slow down, quite frankly, IT DOESN’T!

I live in a life, in a world where there are constant unexpected sorrows and heart-breaks.  Where I think one thing will happen and it doesn’t.  Where I think something will never happen and it does.  Truthfully, it is sometimes maddening.

I know that I’m not alone in this.  We live in a very broken place with our broken dysfunctional selves.  Yes many of us are striving for more.  We are not looking back at the past that wants to hold us back, we are setting goals and doing our best to move toward them.  That is great and not to be diminished… but the fact is, it really isn’t about “getting there”.  It’s about the journey.

Cliche, Cliche, Cliche- I know!

But really.  Are you living like that?  I know for the most part I’m not.  I keep thinking my “getting there” is right around the corner.  And quite frankly it just ISN’T.  I don’t know about you, but “Getting there” for me is probably just a little too perfect for this world.

All this said, I’m going to stop saying (right now) that when September gets here and the craziness of August is behind me life will be normal.  I have no earthly clue what August will bring me.  It has already hit me up-side the head with a few griefs I could have never imagined.  I know that God promises that our lives here will be full of tribulation.  You know what he says?  “TAKE HEAR I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD”.

Having a bonafide Anxiety Disorder, I find the constant need to try and control my circumstances.  I want to know what to expect and what to fear.  That way I can’t be unexpectedly hurt.  This is my go-to, my sin-nature.  Be it chemical, sin or probably both… I don’t really care.  I can’t live like this.  The fact is I have never ever been able to protect myself from any unexpected hurt by prior worrying or control.

“This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!” I have to start living more like this or I just may go insane.  So look- this week I’m going to stop wishing for it to be next month.  It’s going to be really, really hard because it is not natural for me.  But I have to, by the help of God, start recognizing that God cares about my heart and not some silly goal oriented destination I have created for myself that is some version of heaven on earth.

Okay- Done with my rant for now. And for those of you that bug me for not ever posting on my blog anymore- there you go.  You may or may not hear from me in the future.

16 Years

I’m writing today because it is threraputic for me.  I am not writing because I want to be flowery or try to be poetic- to me it is just raw.

This morning marks 16 years since cancer pushed my mom home to heaven.  I was 1 week shy of turning 18.  By now I have known life with out my mom just as long as I can consciously remember life with my mom.  What a strange reality.

This year more than ever I’m realizing how this effects my relationship with my sweet children. I’m longing to hold on to the moments I share with them more and more.  The reality that you have them for 18 years and then things change (which is just a part of life) is really hitting me.  My stomach sinks at the fact that almost 6 of those have already passed for my oldest.  Time feels like sand slipping through my fingers.  I long to clasp it as hard as possible and not let any tumble out- but that is impossible.

I know the fact that I lost my mom at barely 18 makes this time-line seem even more dire to me.  Of course after 18 years (Lord willing) I will still have an amazing relationship with my children.  But I do realize in the deepest parts of me how much we are unaware of what the future holds.  For me it is hard to imagine a mother to child relationship that surpasses the age of 18.  These days are slipping by so fast.

On a practical level we are just trying to implement more routines and traditions.  I want my kids to look back on their childhood and smile so huge it brings tears to their eyes.  We’ve ditched eating out (most of the time) for family dinner at the actual dinner table.  We have found Avery eats much better there and we can better cheer her on and encourage her to eat.  We pray together and each take turns talking about our favorite things from the day.  It is so precious to see the kids so excited to share and hear what each other is sharing.  At night we are reading 1 book and then 1 or 2 chapters our of their Kid’s Study Bible.  They hang on every word and it seems to be their favorite time of night.

Right now my children just flat out my priority.  I’m not saying they were not my priority before, but for some reason it just seems more urgent to me these days to make sure I make the best of the time I spend with them.

Next year we are home-schooling Owen.  Truthfully, I have really missed him while he is at school all day.  Lukas will still do Pre-K a couple days a week so that I have special time with Owen to get him used to having school at home.  I know it will be a challange to take on especially with the things on my plate, but first grade does not take the hours at home that it takes at school.  2 hours maybe?  And I know it is a priority to us.  Jeff is here to help and we will just schedule our time accordingly.  I don’t know what each additional year for us will hold, but we have so much peace to start this homeschool journey.

Anyway, I’m a little emotional today. The way I’m spending time in my life is becoming more important to me with each passing day.  I miss my mom so much.  The people we love that surround us are so important.  Hug that person you are so thankful for today.  Kiss on your kids.  Tell people you love them.

Thanks for letting me get it out.

Haiti

By now you have probably heard that Haiti has had a severe earthquke.  Devestating.  Surreal.  A place that was already so impoverished.  I decided just in case it helped spread info in anyway to post a letter from a neighbor on the ground there and link to their organization and several others that have money going straight to haiti.  These are organizations I trust 100%.

First the letter… written by Mark Stuart (formerlly of the band Audio Adrenaline) He and his wife Aegis now have an organization with an orphanage in Haiti.  All in the orphanage were spared, but their is unexplainable massive destruction all around them.  At one point Aegis wrote on her facebook that she looked behind the orphanage and the mountain was literally splitting open.

Mark Wrote:

Hi everyone….
Our internet is working finally.  So I’m sending this to a few of you….
Everyone here is ok, but we are all very scared.  The buildings held up great, but there are several houses right around us that have collapsed.  Also, Hotel Cyvadier had major damage, while the brand new three story “peace of mind” hotel was demolished.  Francine, one of our teenage nannies was in afternoon school and escaped while the building was collapsing around her because she was sitting by the door…however many of her classmates died yesterday.  Many houses and and buildings have collapsed in Jacmel including the hospital.  I know most of the news there is coming from PAP, but there is substantial loss of life here on the south coast.  We need prayer for wisdom and strength.  Its very chaotic here.  We were able to buy diesel this morning and hopefully get more propane for cooking tomorrow.  Last night was crazy…slept on the dirt in the center of the village…away from the buildings.  Tonight we may venture back indoors, but that is yet to be decided.  We go in and out to get necessities.  The Haitian people are numb and sad to say very used to death, but this has created what seems to be a hypnotic state.  I’ve never been in a situation were you feel SO helpless, fearful, and small.  The tremors are coming again as i type this. Whoa!!!
Mark

Here are some very important links of Christian organizations to pray for and donate to.

Hands and Feet Project- This is the project Mark and Aegis work with.  It is an orphanage.  He is also posting updates.

Conduit Mission- 100% of money being wired straight to Haiti.  The guy the runs this is Darren, he’s a great guy and hiw word is golden.

Convoy of Hope- This is an organization run by the Assemblies of God in Springfield, MO.  They are getting ready to send volunteers over.  One of my friends, Chris Dudly, is waiting to hear if he will be going. Please keep him in your prayers. Will update if he is sent.

Care International- This is an incredible organization that I have already blogged about in the past.  They have people in the Dominican Republic right now that are going to provide relief.
Don’t understimate the power of prayer.  Our people over there need prayer for strength and guidance probably more than ever before.