Cookie Cutter

First off- thank you all so much for your beautiful and encouraging comments to my post about my mother. I have teared up a lot reading those! I even received a couple emails. One of which was from a friend of my brother’s and father’s, Matt Gordan. At the end of his email he referenced another post I made about my acquiring of “age lines” since I have had Owen. I want to post what he wrote… because it is truth, and really puts my thoughts into perspective.

“thinking back on your post about a picture with agelines made me wonder if your mom saw your face now, would she take a different view about the same agelines you see? my guess is that she would have many stories to share about how the agelines were formed by years of loving family and kids and she would not trade them for anything.”

You know, I remember looking at my mom’s arms… and seeing the texture of her skin. It wasn’t elderly or anything. But it wasn’t the skin of a teenager. I don’t know how to describe it. I loved it though. I would just rub it with my little hand because it felt so soft and comforting. I see my skin starting to look the same way. I need to remember how much I loved that on my mom.

I feel like I have too much to say today. But on the parenting issue… There is this great new magazine called COOKIE That my dear friend CAROLINE subscribed me to.

I want to put a quote (may be a bit long) from the editor’s letter in it. I really, really related to it. There is definitely truth in it. So I wanted to share.

“It occurs to me…. there isn’t a single day when I don’t revise some notion of parenthood in my mind. I think back to the time before I was a mother when I judged without mercy the permissive, martyrish, or otherwise unattractive behaviors of certain parents- the dispensing of sugary treats to divert tantrums, the baby talk, the giving in to sensible shoes. And while I still believe in a loving but firm hand in childrearing, (and the unimpeachable value of a nice pair of shoes,) I get it now. I get that there are lots of ways of being a parent, that sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do in the moment, and that you will surprise yourself, for better or for worse, with how you deal- especially when you find yourself behaving just like your mother.”
-Pilar Guzman

I love this quote because I find it amazing how easy it is to judge somewhere before we have walked in the same shoes. And it is also amazing how we think we know it all… until we are truly tested in that area… and then we spend the rest of the time trying to achieve a balance. I’m evolving constantly in this area. I learn from so many other good mom’s like some of you and other friends. From what I read, and from what my kids teach me. I learn everyday how much more clueless I was and am than I thought.

Thanks Caroline for the great subscription. I totally recommend this magazine.

Came and Went

So February 24th was another anniversary of my mother’s death. It’s been 12 years. And guess what, the day come and went and I didn’t know it. Is that a good sign or a bad sign? I don’t really know. I mean maybe it is good that there has been much healing since then. I have come to terms with losing her to an extent. But bad maybe? Or should I say sad? 12 years of life re-defining over and over again with out her. 12 years of new people coming into my life that never got to meet her. 12 years, and now a day that was so significant in my life, a day that changed me forever… came and went and the only reason I remembered is because I got a sweet message from my friend Jill Markwood WHO I SWEAR remembers every date ever known to mankind. She is one of those friends that never ever misses a birthday card… the kind you are so thankful for and yet at the same time you hate that you can’t be a good “remembering dates” friend back. Years later, Jill lost her father to cancer. We talked through his whole sickness. At one point we literally just cuddled on the couch and wept together. Yet, to this day, I only have a rough idea of the time of year she lost her dad.

I suppose maybe the 24th slipping by without me even realizing it’s importance isn’t such a horrible thing. I mean, I literally think of her every single day. I miss her all the time. I long for her, I still wish for her to come back, silly huh? I feel it when I long for “grandma” to be here (even though ‘noni’ my step-mom is wonderful with the kids, and probably owen’s favorite person.) I long to bounce mothering things off her. I long to thank her now that I understand so much more what it meant to raise us. All the sacrifice. All the patience. All the unconditional love. I have said this before on my blog (probably last year), but usually when girls drift from their mother’s in their teens they have a chance to renew that relationship in their 20s. In my 20s I wanted that so bad (naturally), and couldn’t have it…. and the grief hit like a brick. So I guess missing her every day is proof I’m not forgetting, I just forgot THAT day. Which was a really bad day anyway. A really bad, ugly, no one should ever have to go through that day. Actually, couple months, that led to a day.

Anyway on to my mom who I wish I had every chance to have back. This picture of her above is so sweet. She was so sweet. Sweet natured in so many ways. So very painfully shy. She met my dad when she turned 16. They had their ups and downs, got married when she was 19, had many other ups and downs…Including losing a child. She gave herself fully to being a mom. My brother took some extra care and she went to every extent she could to make sure he was secure and felt loved. Me- she was patient with me and all my prima-donna tendencies. She wasn’t perfect, but she was an incredible example of someone who was striving best she could to be the best mother possible. I’ve missed her, I miss her, and I’ll miss her.

I pray often that my kids will never have to go through losing a parent.

New Picture Pages

2 more pages up

Go HERE to see random shots over the last 2 weeks around the house.

Go HERE to see shots of Owen playing outside.

MORE THINGS I LOVE!

Okay so I couldn’t stop at one which makes me know why JOY has done this for every day in Februrary. Here are more things I love. I will post more pics on my photo page tomorrow.

Lukas laying here with his stuffed dog. More for a pictures sake

Playing outside with Owen

Lukie likes to sleep on his side

My Boys. Owen was not really into the photo idea

Owen trying to be like his dad.

SPT 2.22.06- All of me (and then some)

I finally uploaded some pics… actually a ton of pics. I was a bit behind on my uploads. I won’t get my photo pages updated tonight, but i figured I would catch up on SPT and add more to “THINGS I LOVE”. Anyway, more on my post-childbirth ALL OF ME theme.

Looking at how tired I look

Looking at my body

Looking at my stomach

The dark line that finally showed up on my last month of pregnancy

Things I Love Thursday- 2.23.2006

My Old friends from Highschool. I absolutely love that whenever we are together it is like no time has lapsed. Things have changed so much over the years for all of us… but in so many ways who we are has not changed. I love having people in my life that have been my friend since I was 4 ft. tall. I love that our kids are growing up together. I love that we all know each other’s weaknesses and crappy sides and still love each other to death. These girls are amazing and I’m so blessed to have them in my life, even when there are times we don’t all see each other as much.

Back To 4

Last night lu reverted to his normal routine. Waking up at 4 and 7. That’s not too bad though and more normal for his age Hopefully more of the 8 hour nights will come. Till then 6 hours is nice.

8 at 7 ?

Okay, last night my 7 week old (7 weeks today)
slept
8
hours.
Well, actually went 8 hours between feedings, which is more like 7.5 hours sleep.

This is something that completely shocked me and I am praying, oh please God, let this not be a fluke… let this be a pattern starting.

8 hours. I think that trumps Owen by one week! And O was a great sleeper! I didn’t expect this from Lu, I mean he has had so much discomfort at night I thought I may be doomed on the sleep front for awhile.

But sure enough I heard a little cry, shot straight up in bed (my husband thought I was dreaming,) And shouted, “NO WAY!”. Jeff still thought I was sleep talking until he heard me say next, “OUCH MY CHEST HURTS!” It was 6am, and I just couldn’t believed I was able to sleep that long. Way to go Lu-boy, keep it up I will gladly take an aching chest for some sleep.

He was in the best mood at 6am too. He didn’t seemed famished. Hungry? yes, but famished, no. I actually had to wake him up at 8:45 so I could get some food in him before we took off to a play date.

Fitting Room lovelies

Yeah Yeah I’m late on SPT again. HA. uploading my pics just keeps not happening. I even have cute kid pics on that camera!
It will come late, not sure how late, but late.

Today was okay. Lukas is having a rough night so far with tummy issues. Owen was mostly a delight. This morning he had a playdate with my friend Chantelle’s son Jackson. He is so out of the socializing routine since we moved that he cried when Jackson first arrived. He finally warmed out and they were so cute together. They both used the drum together. They ran down the hall together (giggling). They tried to sneak up the stairs together. And at one point Jackson even fed O a raisin. How freaking cute.

Then in the afternoon I took them to the mall for an attempt (which actually worked) at dress shopping. JJ, Meridith and my cousin Jade decided to throw me a fun party for my 30th. So sweet of them. I just got Jade’s invites and they so cute. There will be music, dancing and a chance to dress up. All the things they know I love. But this also presented an “uh oh I don’t own a dress that fits my new body”. The main 2 issues being 1. my much larger than my normal chest, and 2. my floppy tummy. My stomach has actually shrunken nicely (not all the way, but nicely for just having a baby), but it is by no means tight. I chose clothes that of course don’t make notice of this so people don’t believe me when I say it. The women helping me with dresses today (seeing that the girl with the double wide stroller needed help) kept bringing me these clingier deals… I kept telling her that they didn’t look right on and she absolutely did not believe me, until she saw one on me Then she was like- OHHHHHHH I SEE! I kept telling her I needed a dress with some structure… trust me I worked in wardrobe, I know these things. Anyway, I’m so happy, I found something that I will feel secure in. My chest is fully covered, and my tummy held in. Yet it is still cute (not matronly is what I mean), flattering, girly and fun. So I’m happy.

I did have to fight goldfish being thrown on to the floor, and a toddler practicing his yelling skills while watching himself in the mirror, oh and begging to get down from his stroller so he could practice jumping. Along with an infant needing a feeding break. But all in all the boys were kind to let me go dress shopping. Thank you for the bday present boys.

I realize with the last few posts I probably seem so vein. I’m sorry. There are many MANY other thoughts running in my head beyond these things. But these are easiest to blog about right now. It’s about the amount of attention span I have right now.

My laptop is about to run out of power…. and I am sure I should be in bed right now.

Aging Gracefully

HA! I went through my old photo pages to compare Owen at 6 weeks to Lukas at 6 weeks. Instead I got a reality check at what the last 1.5 years has done to me! I can’t believe the lines I see missing from my face in this picture with Owen! Oh this makes me very sad. I also have 1 or 2 age spots on my face since then. I hate that skin damage is irreversible. I haven’t really tried fighting the aging thing (except for excercize and sunscreen on my face), but this definitely shows me I need to start. DANGIT I’m only 29!!! (for 2 more weeks).

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