16 Years

I’m writing today because it is threraputic for me.  I am not writing because I want to be flowery or try to be poetic- to me it is just raw.

This morning marks 16 years since cancer pushed my mom home to heaven.  I was 1 week shy of turning 18.  By now I have known life with out my mom just as long as I can consciously remember life with my mom.  What a strange reality.

This year more than ever I’m realizing how this effects my relationship with my sweet children. I’m longing to hold on to the moments I share with them more and more.  The reality that you have them for 18 years and then things change (which is just a part of life) is really hitting me.  My stomach sinks at the fact that almost 6 of those have already passed for my oldest.  Time feels like sand slipping through my fingers.  I long to clasp it as hard as possible and not let any tumble out- but that is impossible.

I know the fact that I lost my mom at barely 18 makes this time-line seem even more dire to me.  Of course after 18 years (Lord willing) I will still have an amazing relationship with my children.  But I do realize in the deepest parts of me how much we are unaware of what the future holds.  For me it is hard to imagine a mother to child relationship that surpasses the age of 18.  These days are slipping by so fast.

On a practical level we are just trying to implement more routines and traditions.  I want my kids to look back on their childhood and smile so huge it brings tears to their eyes.  We’ve ditched eating out (most of the time) for family dinner at the actual dinner table.  We have found Avery eats much better there and we can better cheer her on and encourage her to eat.  We pray together and each take turns talking about our favorite things from the day.  It is so precious to see the kids so excited to share and hear what each other is sharing.  At night we are reading 1 book and then 1 or 2 chapters our of their Kid’s Study Bible.  They hang on every word and it seems to be their favorite time of night.

Right now my children just flat out my priority.  I’m not saying they were not my priority before, but for some reason it just seems more urgent to me these days to make sure I make the best of the time I spend with them.

Next year we are home-schooling Owen.  Truthfully, I have really missed him while he is at school all day.  Lukas will still do Pre-K a couple days a week so that I have special time with Owen to get him used to having school at home.  I know it will be a challange to take on especially with the things on my plate, but first grade does not take the hours at home that it takes at school.  2 hours maybe?  And I know it is a priority to us.  Jeff is here to help and we will just schedule our time accordingly.  I don’t know what each additional year for us will hold, but we have so much peace to start this homeschool journey.

Anyway, I’m a little emotional today. The way I’m spending time in my life is becoming more important to me with each passing day.  I miss my mom so much.  The people we love that surround us are so important.  Hug that person you are so thankful for today.  Kiss on your kids.  Tell people you love them.

Thanks for letting me get it out.

Haiti

By now you have probably heard that Haiti has had a severe earthquke.  Devestating.  Surreal.  A place that was already so impoverished.  I decided just in case it helped spread info in anyway to post a letter from a neighbor on the ground there and link to their organization and several others that have money going straight to haiti.  These are organizations I trust 100%.

First the letter… written by Mark Stuart (formerlly of the band Audio Adrenaline) He and his wife Aegis now have an organization with an orphanage in Haiti.  All in the orphanage were spared, but their is unexplainable massive destruction all around them.  At one point Aegis wrote on her facebook that she looked behind the orphanage and the mountain was literally splitting open.

Mark Wrote:

Hi everyone….
Our internet is working finally.  So I’m sending this to a few of you….
Everyone here is ok, but we are all very scared.  The buildings held up great, but there are several houses right around us that have collapsed.  Also, Hotel Cyvadier had major damage, while the brand new three story “peace of mind” hotel was demolished.  Francine, one of our teenage nannies was in afternoon school and escaped while the building was collapsing around her because she was sitting by the door…however many of her classmates died yesterday.  Many houses and and buildings have collapsed in Jacmel including the hospital.  I know most of the news there is coming from PAP, but there is substantial loss of life here on the south coast.  We need prayer for wisdom and strength.  Its very chaotic here.  We were able to buy diesel this morning and hopefully get more propane for cooking tomorrow.  Last night was crazy…slept on the dirt in the center of the village…away from the buildings.  Tonight we may venture back indoors, but that is yet to be decided.  We go in and out to get necessities.  The Haitian people are numb and sad to say very used to death, but this has created what seems to be a hypnotic state.  I’ve never been in a situation were you feel SO helpless, fearful, and small.  The tremors are coming again as i type this. Whoa!!!
Mark

Here are some very important links of Christian organizations to pray for and donate to.

Hands and Feet Project- This is the project Mark and Aegis work with.  It is an orphanage.  He is also posting updates.

Conduit Mission- 100% of money being wired straight to Haiti.  The guy the runs this is Darren, he’s a great guy and hiw word is golden.

Convoy of Hope- This is an organization run by the Assemblies of God in Springfield, MO.  They are getting ready to send volunteers over.  One of my friends, Chris Dudly, is waiting to hear if he will be going. Please keep him in your prayers. Will update if he is sent.

Care International- This is an incredible organization that I have already blogged about in the past.  They have people in the Dominican Republic right now that are going to provide relief.
Don’t understimate the power of prayer.  Our people over there need prayer for strength and guidance probably more than ever before.

2010

I am surprised I even remember how to log in to write on this blog.  Seriously my blog has been so far from my mind these days.  The only reason I don’t give it up is because there are more than 5 years of memories here.  I wish there was a way I could upload all my posts on my hard-drive.

Things have been good, no great, for the most part.  Not as in “perfect life” great… Life is far from perfect.  But in the “scheme of things” great.  How could I complain?  As I see lives of so many people in such great pain I can not help but sit back and be grateful and slap myself for any unthankfulness that lurks in my heart.  My heart is heavy a lot lately- but not for myself.  My compassion goes out to my friends that are divorced for the first time this Christmas/New Year, for those that have family members who have passed.  For those with sick family.  For those whose lives have experienced tragedy this year.  For those who feel hopeless at finding a job right now.  (have you seen Up in The Air yet?  Oh my heart aches for these people).  For those with children whose health is their heartache.  Okay- so I’m crying now… I oughtta stop writing such sad stuff.

But its reality right?  I really don’t know how I would survive with out Jesus.   People can call that a crutch, but I really don’t care. I’m like everyone else.  Hurt, broken, damaged, flawed… but with God he somehow in his miraculous way makes that all beautiful.

There is so much pain around and I’m like this total sponge absorbing emotions and pain of those around me (unless I’m on meds, which I’m not on right now…).  Don’t worry, I’m actually good.  Just being real.  This is one of those “hard” days.  Hard for no reason other than the pain on the earth- Ha.

I’m grateful.  I have a roof over my head that is not being threatened to be taken away.  I have a new house being built to better accommodate running businesses from home near my children.  I have 3 lovely beautiful healthy children.  Jeff and I have parents and family that love us.  We have each other- what a blessing.

I do hope 2010 is a better year, for all those hurting.  For those who have lost things or people this year.  I pray God will continue his grace on this nation.  We are blessed far beyond what we are deserving of.  I pray that in all things my family and I will look to God.  That we’ll seek his face whether joy or heartache face us this year.  That he will be that which completes us.

Its overwhelming to me sometimes– the fact that we have no idea what is coming.  My personality is to fret that.  I’m so glad I know that though I am not in control, something much greater is.  So cheers to whatever comes.  We’ll embrace you.  On with 2010

Allergic Avery

It looks like we have some answers on sweet Avery.  Her allergy results are in and she is allergic to milk, soy and beef.  The poor girl was not absorbing the proteins we were giving her.  We now have her on a special hypo-allergenic drink called EO 28 Splash.  It has a really high caloric content that hopefully will help her weight catch up.  It’s funny, after 2 weeks she is already looking much rounder.  She feels heavier too.  She has her 15 month appointment and I think we’ll find that she has really gained.  Thank you Jesus.  I’m not thrilled about the allergies… but it certainly is a less severe answer than we could have had so I will count my blessings.

Weight wise Jeff is rocking the diet.  He has lost 15 lbl.  I have lost 8.  I already feel better but have a ways to go.  My goal is 25 lbs to get back into all my old jeans.

In a few weeks I would really like to start the P90X workout with Jeff in the mornings.  Any of you have experience with that.  I hear it is really kick butt.  I’m so ready to get cut again.

I have also nixed Diet Coke from my diet.  It kills me.  I love diet coke and practically took it in my bottle as a baby.  BUT the whole thing about Diet Coke turning to formaldehyde in the body really freaks me out.  I know that aspartame is so horrible for you.  I have known I needed to make this choice for a long time… I think I’m finally ready.  I have to do it for my kids.  I want to live long and be healthy and vibrant for their children and possibly my great grand children someday.

Today I am ill.  I think it is either a bad cold or the flu.  Fun huh?  I think this long week worked one on my immune system.

Airplane Epiphany

I’ll never forget the time that I was flying somewhere and was studying something for a church leadership school I was in.  I was going through the verses of the Bible that were in the lesson and it hit me.  I welled up with tears of joy.  I can’t quite put to words how I felt at that moment.  Thankfulness was pouring out of me.  At that minute I was just so grateful to have been brought up in the Lord.  Which basically means I was brought up knowing about Jesus from a young age.

I can’t tell you I am overcome like that every time I read the Bible.  I have read the Bible most of the days of my adult years (and even before then), yet rarely do I have a moment of revelation like that.  It is like numbness was taken away.  Apathy was gone from me.  My eyes were open to a glimpse of the unbelievable spiritually rich inheritance I had received and been living on.  To this day I can’t tell you where I was flying, what I was doing, or anything.  But I will never forget how overcome I was with gratefulness at that moment.  Had I had a bottle of perfume and Jesus sitting physically beside me I could have easily been the woman washing the feet of her Lord with her hair and perfume as Mary had.  This moment impacted me forever.

Why am I telling you this?  Not in anyway to rub something in your face that I think I have that you may not.  But I tell you because of the back story.  You see my parents had a time in their lives that was pretty dark.  Before they found Jesus they were into drugs and we-gee boards, had “spirit guides” etc.  They almost lost their marriage at one point.  They were desperate, empty, and searching for something to fill them up.  Then my mom enrolled my brother in a local christian preschool.  The teachers (bless those teachers!) reached out to her and invited her to church.  It was there she found Jesus and she was forever changed.  My father followed soon after.  This was all before I was born.  My parents weren’t perfect from that point on.  They had things in their lives they struggled with.  But they had Jesus.  They had my brother, and soon had me and were determined that we grew up always knowing this great peace that only Jesus can bring.  

No matter where you are at as a person or a parent.  There is hope.  No matter what you have come from your children can still recieve a rich inheritance and never have to deal with the things that you may think have branded your life as irrepairable.  All you have to do is bring your crap to his feet.  Give your life to Jesus and know that all the things in life that were done to you, all the things you did, all were nailed on the cross with him and you are made new.  Can you imagine having that to pass on to your children.  As a child of that same inheritance I can tell you that it is amazing.

I now sit here with my children.  I still have things that I really struggle, no war, with.  Its a journey not a destination.  But everyday (that I let him) God is growing me and refining me.  I hope to pass on to my children not the things that entangle me, but freedom, peace, grace, love, zeal,and every other perfect gift that comes only from Jesus.  I pray that I won’t pass on the things that trip me up.  I pray that I will deal with them at this generation so that it won’t go on to the next.  May their futures be written by God alone and not by my failings.  May they always have the peace and hope that I had that moment on the plane.  May they never know a moment without Jesus.

PS- If you have any questons about how to know Jesus please feel free to email me at eejackson (at) mac (dot) com.

Peek-A-SKU

I found this new site courtesy of a Janie and Jack employee and I had to share it with you.  Upon my shirt for the perfect outfits for our family pictures, I was curious what some of the major stores holiday lines were going to look like.  Peekasku.com is the perfect place to find out.  Right now they just have a few stores on there, but a great little hint for those of us that realize these things sell out early!  I’m excited about my kids’ outfits (I know total dork) So I have to share them with you!

For Avery: (from chasing fireflies)

For The Boys: (from Crewcuts)

The inspiration for our shoot can be found here.  And the lovely blonde, Anna Crane, in those photos will be our photographer.  Her work here.

Can you tell I’m excited? To earn $ toward the shoot I’m doing a photo party!!!  There are 3 slots left if you are interested facebook or email me.  It is Saturday the 26th.

September 5, 09- How is that for a creative title?

Aside from the political state right now, things have been pretty great (for us).  Owen is absolutely loving kindergarten which has me that much more relieved that he was ready.  I think we made the right decision in not holding him back.  Lukas loves his school.  His only disappointment is that it is only 2 days a week.  Avery is going to a nanny for 10 hours a week while Lukie is in preschool which has been giving me time to concentrate on work…. and concentrate on them more when they are around.  I am loving being back on a routine…  I function so much better on a schedule.  The wide open time of the summer really gets me down for some reason.  I get confused and don’t know what to do with the day!  I think next summer I’ll have to plan more structured time.  

Jeff and I are going on the HCG diet starting tomorrow so I’ll let you know how that goes.  I’m glad to have support this time around.  I’m also excited to get back into my cute designer jeans :) 

I have been in the middle of some switching of my medication and I feel SO much better.  The actual switch was really tough.  But my energy level now is so much improved.  I stayed up till 10 the other night, which these days has been like staying up all night for me.  I know that sounds nuts, but I really didn’t feel refreshed unless I had 10 hours of sleep- and that is just such a waste of time in life.  I’m glad to be back to feeling more normal. 

On the country….  Seriuosly I won’t go deep into it.  BUT SERIOUSLY!  Propaganda videos in the classroom?  Appointing czars that have claimed that 911 was an inside job? I could go on for awhile.  But I won’t.  And truthfully I don’t want to spar a huge conversation on this.  But really.  Really?  Gosh I can’t wait for 2012.

Jeff’s mom has really been feeling sick for several months now.  No one can quite figure out what is wrong.  She could use the prayer so please be praying for her.  Jeff is going to see her the end of next week.  It’s hard being so far away and feeling like we can’t help very much.  

I started by this post saying things have been pretty great.  And that is true… for our little family things have been good.  However I do feel like so many people I’m surrounded by are in so much pain right now.  So many people are going through such terrible things.  I don’t want to get into the horror of the situations around me.  But it does feel like something is in the air or something.  Many people are heavy on my heart and heavy in my prayers.  It’s seasons like this I just pray I can be of some help to my friends.  Lord knows there have been seasons where I have depended on a  lot of help.  This is one of those seasons I can pay it forward.  God please touch my friends.  Comfort their hearts.  Grant them peace in the midst of their chaos and heartbreak.

Chaotic Mess

My house has been really cluttered and awful lately.  I feel like I can’t get on top of it.  Once I get it all picked up it just gets incredibly messy again.  I know my busy-ness doesn’t help.  I hate that when my house is like this, it causes me to have this general sense of anxiety.  With 3 little ones who are very active it is only normal that my house would be this way… so I wish I could just accept it as fact and not let it stress me out so much.  I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’m in the process of switching my meds.  That has to make me more vulnerable to anxiety considering without them I’m a panicky mess.

On a side note-  You know you are in trouble when you wear a top you hate because it is clean and it fits.  Is that the definition of being that women that “lets it go”?  Gosh- I hope not.  It is a reality check though.  I have to get back to fitting in my cute clothes.  I haven’t stopped being fashion conscious, I’m just not near as fashion concerned… Which professionally just won’t work for me.  So here is to trying harder!  The HCG diet starts in about a week… so that should help.  Cute jeans, please fit again.

Just When I Thought it was OVER…

I was wrong.  Here I am back at Mommyzabs.com again.  I feel really silly now for my dramatic stomp off stage that will be on the internet forever.  Yes, I was upset.  I have been upset.  I fell like I lost my place to be everything that is all me.  That it was getting indirectly censored.  It hasn’t been censored because anyone told me I could boisterously voice my strongly held opinions here… but my own guilt over making some of my dear friends feel unwelcome haunted me.  They would check in to see how my life was going and get hit over the head with a very opposing view of the way they saw/see the world.  It made them not feel so great and put strains on too many relationships.  

The solution?.  A new place to vent.  NO I didn’t buy another domain name that I will have to design and keep up.  I just may start spewing on someone else’s elsewhere.  Who knows, maybe it won’t work out… but if it does trust me I will direct you there and if you already know what I’m going to say is going to offend you- you don’t have to visit.  More information forthcoming…

In the meanwhile so many things, thoughts, feelings, transitions, beliefs, I have had I could update you on.  I’ll have to spread them out  Owen starting kindergarten, New thoughts on depression (and my ongoing battle with it), Lukas starting preschool, The HCG diet (again),  my pastor losing his son and learning from his grief (about my own,) Life, life and more life.  (now that was definitely a sentence I would get in trouble for in Ms. Bell’s english class.)  Did I ever mention how she told me I was a horrible writer and to stick to Science and Math?..  Oh the silly scars that stick with us…  I don’t want my kids to ever get those itchy things.  I hope no teacher ever speaks that kinda crap over them.   How about the time in 6th grad a personality evaluator told me that my (then) dream of being a lawyer would never happen and I would be a failure.  One look at the “code” my personality test gave me and she thought it was okay to call a sixth grader a failure.  Nice.  Okay- I’m not ranting or anything.  It only still hurts a little…   

WOW Tangent, sorry about that.  Have a good one,  I gotta help my kindergartner with his lower-case i’s.

MommyZabs.Com Closed

Well.  For many reasons I’m just not going to write for awhile.  Maybe forever?  (though knowing me I doubt that).  I’m not going to take MommyZabs down because I have used it as a family journal for so long that I would hate to lose that.  The primary reason for closing is being busy…  But in addition to that I’m really truly saddened and sickened by the state of the country right now.  I don’t like where we are going as a nation in so many ways and this is no longer a “safe” place to vent.  Not because people are after me or anything   But because too many of my friends and I disagree and because they continue reading and it has effected our relationship… I don’t feel comfortable posting my thoughts anymore.  

In addition to that I’m sure most of you have heard about the white house’s new call to rat on your neighbors for spreading SO CALLED “mis-information” about the “health care option” they are trying to pass.  Because I feel that many of the things going around from educated sources is NOT mis-information and because I see this as a move toward one health care government run system and not simply an option… I would therefore become a “mis-information” source.  Truth telling has never been so censored. 

So I’m out for awhile.  I’m too angry and depressed about this country to write.  

I’m sure at some point I’ll be back.

The 5th anniversary party I was planning on holding for the blog with giveaways is cancelled.  Maybe I’ll start writing again on the 10th anniversary, if the country hasn’t gone communist by then.